JOYRIDE, by John Enright
SCENE ONE
An office.
BILL, 45, and JERRY, 30, are talking.
BILL
I’m meeting with the CEO at
eight.
JERRY
A.M. or P.M.?
BILL
P.M.
Tonight.
JERRY
That’s
late.
BILL
He doesn’t think so. Working long hard days
Is how he got his job. It often pays
To make an extra effort - if you follow
My meaning.
JERRY
I don’t think I want to swallow
Your message whole. I want to have a life.
BILL
Just wait a minute. Do you have a wife?
JERRY
Umm… no.
BILL
A girlfriend, then?
JERRY
Umm… no.
BILL
Then
are
You gay?
JERRY
Umm… no.
BILL
Then
where’s this shining star
You call your life? You sound like you’re a dreamer,
Pining away. Meanwhile, some bold schemer
Is scoring with the girl you
just envision.
JERRY
I’m doing fine. Please spare me your derision.
As I recall, you’re single
too.
BILL
Divorced.
It wasn’t pretty. I felt quite outsourced.
But I was married and we
made two kids,
Two lovely kids, before we
hit the skids.
A big chunk of my paycheck
goes for their
Support. And here’s what really isn’t fair:
Their mother’s turned them
both against me. Where
Is the justice in that? I pay my share,
And in return I’d like my
kids to care
About me too. Is that too much to ask?
JERRY
I’d say that every dad
expects to bask
In admiration from their
children, but
I’d also say that money
isn’t what
Inspires their adoration.
BILL
When
they’re grown
They’ll understand. When all the facts are known,
There’ll be a reckoning, a
restitution.
They’ll thank me for my
weighty contribution.
JERRY
I hope it all works out.
BILL
At
any rate,
As I began to say, tonight
at eight
I’m meeting with the CEO
concerning
The slump in overseas
investment earning
That showed up in our second
quarter data.
You worked on that, I’m
hoping you can wait a
While at your desk tonight -
say until nine.
After nine - assume it all
went fine
And head on home. But hang till then in case
We need more extracts from
your database.
That’s not a problem, is it?
JERRY
No.
I’ll stay.
BILL
And by the way, the company
will pay
Your dinner bill, since it’s
at our request
You’re staying here so late,
and I’d suggest
You go ahead and splurge a
little bit.
Just turn the voucher into
me, and it
Will be approved.
JERRY
Won’t Cooper think that’s
strange?
BILL
Don’t worry. He’s your boss, but I’ll arrange
A small exception, since
this is a favor
You’re doing me. Think of it as a waiver
From Cooper’s cheapskate
ways, and simply savor
The taste of my largesse.
JERRY
Why thanks, I might
Just take you up on that.
BILL
Yes.
Take a bite
Of life, on me. There’s an Italian place
Just up the road; it’s a
good choice in case
You happen to get stuck here
after ten.
I’ve walked in at
eleven. Even then
They seated me and treated
me like royalty.
They know how to reward
customer loyalty.
Tell them I sent you , and
you’ll get a meal.
It’s name is
Pagliacci’s. Try the veal.
Oh, there’s one more thing I
meant to mention -
You will not be alone in
your detention.
My new assistant’s staying
here as well.
JERRY
I don’t believe I’ve met
him.
BILL
I can tell.
JERRY
How’s that?
BILL
Because
it’s not a him. It’s her.
I think you’d notice
that. So I infer…
JERRY
I see.
BILL
You will. I was her manager
Before, when I was still in
auditing.
And now I’ve pulled some
strings so I could bring
Her here. She’s good. She makes a spreadsheet sing.
Her name is Beth.
JERRY
The odds are high I’ve met her,
But don’t recall…
BILL
I couldn’t ask for better.
She’s smart and driven. One more favor, Jerry:
The parking lot, when it
gets dark, is scary.
Could you make sure to walk
her to her car?
So she’ll feel safe. You know how women are.
JERRY
No problem. Hey, does she get dinner, too?
BILL
Of course.
JERRY
Well, maybe I can ask her…
BILL
You?
There is no harm in asking,
but you’ll find
That she’s a girl with
business on her mind,
Who carefully and wisely has
declined
To date fellow employees,
out of fear
Of overcomplicating her
career.
JERRY
So she refuses to be wined
and dined?
BILL
I don’t mean that I’ve asked
her, but I’ve heard
Her talk emphatically upon
these themes
In phone calls with her
mother. All her dreams
Are centered on becoming a
success.
I’ve heard her say she won’t
date men unless
She’s sure that they won’t
bog her down at all.
JERRY
Yeesh. Not my type. Well, if you need to call,
I’ll be here.
BILL
Thanks.
JERRY
But I cannot envision
My scoring big with Beth.
BILL
A wise decision.
Blackout.
SCENE TWO
The same. The next morning. JERRY is talking to BETH, an attractive woman, about 27.
JERRY
(with jesting formality)
Good morning, Miss
McNulty. How are you?
BETH
(jesting in return)
When did you learn my last
name? Beth will do.
JERRY
You don't like Liz or Betty?
BETH
No, I don't.
Don't even say those names.
JERRY
Okay, I won't.
BETH
(with distaste)
I had an uncle that used to
call me Liz.
JERRY
Would I be right in guessing
that he is
Not quite your favorite
uncle?
BETH
Well, he's dead.
JERRY
Oh, sorry.
BETH
Don't be.
JERRY
Why not?
BETH
(reluctant, then
bursting forth
Uncle Ted
Did something bad to me when
I was ten.
JERRY
Oh, sorry.
BETH
Don't be.
Don't be sorry again.
There's too much sorry in
the world already.
JERRY
Okay, then. I'm not sorry.
BETH
About last night...
JERRY
Yeah. How about it!
BETH
Perhaps it wasn't right
For me to lead you on like
that.
JERRY
Like what?
Besides, I liked it.
BETH
Like a little slut.
JERRY
Who? Me or you?
BETH
Regardless, I don't think
That it would be advisable
to link
Up in the future the way we
did last night.
JERRY
Advisable? Is this about that bite?
BETH
I want you to know that's
never happened before.
JERRY
Really? I'm flattered.
BETH
Is your shoulder sore?
JERRY
It smarts. How would lunch be?
BETH
I told you no.
JERRY
Just lunch. No games.
Just talk. We'll even go
Fast food or something. Totally unromantic.
No charm. No atmosphere.
BETH
I think we can pick
Some place with better food
that's simply quiet...
Wait. No.
No lunch. I said -
JERRY
C'mon.
Just try it.
BETH
That's what you said last
night.
JERRY
You really looked
Like you enjoyed yourself.
BETH
I could get hooked.
You know that. But it isn't in my plans.
I've got a career here. Why should some man's
Attractiveness wreck
that? We had some fun.
Let's leave it there.
JERRY
But what if you're the one?
The one for me. The one that I was born
To love.
BETH
Oh please. Grow
up.
JERRY
Don't pour your scorn
Out on my dreams like that -
like lemon juice
Into a wounded heart.
BETH
Let's have a truce.
I won't make fun of your
romantic dreams,
If you will keep them to
yourself. That seems
A fair exchange.
JERRY
That's no exchange at all.
A frank exchange of views -
of dreams. I'd call
That fair. I think we owe each other more
Than thanks for mutual
pleasure. Don't ignore
The meaning of that
pleasure.
BETH
Pleasure means
Plenty to me. But such passionate scenes
As we enacted in my bed are
not
A substitute for
income. What we've got
Here -- jobs -- come
first. Without gainful employment
We'll be out on the street
-- and sexual enjoyment
Will be the last thing on
our minds. How many
Intimate entanglements -- if
any --
Do homeless people have per
week?
JERRY
Oh, please.
Talk about sharing wild
fantasies!
Nobody’s going to get fired,
and if we did,
So what? There's lots of jobs out there.
BETH
Don't
kid
Yourself. It's not always that easy.
JERRY
You're
Just freaking out. And I'm not really sure
What it's about. Is this some kind of guilt
Trip after the joyride?
BETH
(becoming visibly upset)
Okay. You've built
A wonderful defense. It's all my fault.
Your ego's safe. A woman dares to jilt
You? Just launch an analytical assault
Upon her motivation. Rip her soul
To shreds and run the pieces
up a pole.
Then ask : "what kind
of woman could this be
Who wouldn't want to spend
the night with me?"
Enter Bill
JERRY
I think you are a beautiful
debater.
But, whoa, here comes your
boss, I'll see you later.
Exit Jerry
BILL
I'm sorry. Was I interrupting something?
BETH
Not really.
BILL
Good.
Because it's just a dumb thing
I need to ask. The numbers that you gave
To me last week, did you
happen to save
A copy?
BETH
Yes.
Of course.
BILL
Well then... You know
Today you seem to have a
certain glow.
BETH
Oh. Really?
BILL
Oh, yes, really. So if you could
Give me those numbers again
then I would
Be grateful. Very grateful.
BETH
Why so grateful?
BILL
Two reasons. First, I'm busy. I've a plateful
Of things to do. And secondly... But speaking
Of platefuls, hot sauce has a way of leaking
All over. I must ask about your dinner.
BETH
My dinner?
BILL
Yes.
Last night. Was it a winner?
I hear that you two shared a
cozy table
At Pagliacci's, and that you
were able
To polish off two bottles of
Chablis
Before departing arm in arm.
BETH
Did HE
Tell you all this? Has he been bragging
About his virtuoso feat of
dragging
Me into bed?
BILL
I heard it from the waiter,
When I arrived about an hour
later
After you left. Somehow it didn't sound
Like you were dragged. Or were you gagged and bound?
And if you were, was it
against your will?
BETH
Against my better
judgment. Listen, Bill,
You know the way I am.
BILL
Indeed. I do.
BETH
I'm not the type to lose my
head.
BILL
Who? You?
BETH
I'm not the type to fall in
bed.
BILL
What? Fall?
BETH
I mean, I might jump in and
have a ball,
But at my choosing, after
careful thought.
BILL
And this time?
BETH
This time, somehow, I got
caught
In passion that was not so rational,
Desire that was simply smashing all
My plans to bits in pounding waves of pleasure.
BILL
Sounds rough. Strong feelings overflow the measure
And leave you tossed and
turned upon the ocean.
But what I wouldn't give if
that emotion
Could be my own!
BETH
You'd like to feel confused?
BILL
By love? You bet.
I see you're not amused.
BETH
Don't joke about my
feelings.
BILL
I don't joke.
I know confusion all too
well. You spoke
To my own heart. And now I find I'm saying
More than I should. But please don't think I'm playing.
I'm not. You mean too much to me.
BETH
Too much?
BILL
To me.
BETH
What are you saying?
BILL
Is it such
A shock that I might care?
BETH
What do you mean?
BILL
Between us - well - how
could you not have seen?
Suppose I said I’d had a
revelation,
Or, better yet, I’d felt a
strange sensation
Of overwhelming partnership
for you,
Dazzlingly new, but somehow
déjà vu,
As if I always knew but had
denied
The truth about the joy I
felt inside
Whenever you were near.
BETH
Oh please.
Get real.
BILL
Would you presume to tell me
what I feel?
Suppose I said, please marry
me, dear Beth.
And be my wife until the
hand of death
Pries us apart. And we will climb the ladder
Of corporate success
together. Gladder
Every day to share the
company
Of one another.
BETH
Are you teasing me?
BILL
Let's just call it
hypothetical.
BETH